[VIDEO] Jake joins the gang

[50millions1pint]

Alright.

[Jake's voice is muffled as he speaks with his mouth full, taking a bite off an apple while displaying a half bored, half annoyed demeanor. He is sitting at the back of a moving carriage.]

Name's Jake, 'sup. Found myself in the desert all of a sudden, and a bunch of nerds cosplaying as elves are giving me a ride. Gave me a mirror to 'contact the rest of the group', so if you're from 'the rest of the group', fill me in. Do I have to have a medieval accent? My English is good, but not good enough to speak Ye Olde Bullshit.

[He takes another bite.]

Ah, and they also said we're on a quest. I don't know what the fuck you LARPers are up to, but I want money. If I don't get any money, I want food. Or anything, really, everything counts as currency except STDs. So, whose ass are we kicking? I'd rather make this quick and go back home.

Comments

[ferengineer]

While I appreciate the mercenary viewpoint? We don't have money and all food is shared between the group.

Also? Those are elves, this quest is likely to take months, and it's actually impossible to leave.

[50millions1pint]

HohoHOLY fuck. [Jake laughs quite indelicately at Nog's appearance] What the fuck are you? Did the injection fuck you up too?

[He curls his nose.]

Eh. I guess food's gonna have to be enough. It's not like I'm gonna complain that I have to live in a castle, even if I gotta share it with you and the cockroaches.

[ferengineer]

[Nog sighs, clearly annoyed.]

I'm a Ferengi. An alien, from your perspective. This is what my species looks like.

[50millions1pint]

My bad. The new virus makes it so that if someone bashes your face hard enough you regrow it as a crocodile head or some shit, depends on where they hit you really. Some people grow wings, fought a dude that was part chainsaw. Had to check.

[Jake shrugs.]

So. Did the housekeepers here explain why they need us to deal with their issues or do they just cry and demand charity?

[ferengineer]

The Green, who are the various godlike entities who dragged us here? Need us to help stop this place from self-destructing. Otherwise, they die, and all plantlife in the multiverse goes with them.

Which will, inevitably, cause every world that maintains plant life as a central part of its ecosystem to suffer a total environmental collapse and doom everyone to a slow painful death.

[50millions1pint]

[Jake emits a prolonged groan.]

I'm not even done with the other quest to save the world that I don't give a shit about. I'll give a pint of my blood for free, this time, as soon as I get to fuck off sooner.