Denizen of the Underworld

[hellbentley]

[Crowley is sitting in the afternoon sun in a casual sprawl outside, with a rock to his back. He's mostly healed and cleaned up. The little cut on his neck is almost gone. His voice is still a little bit hoarse but not as bad as it was. He had to trash his little gray scarf. No way was he getting the blood stains out. Fortunately his jacket and shirt are darker so it helps hide the blood stains.]

[He's definitely trying to cultivate a cucumber cool look, because vulnerability just isn't his thing.]

[He doesn't know how many people happened to be on their mirrors during the...incident. But at least one of his two attackers walked away angry, yelling about how he'd set the place on fire. The Easter Bunny is also awfully suspicious of him.]

[And word gets around.]

[He's got to control the narrative, especially since Aziraphale would absolutely get between him and a mob. He's not used to there needing to being any narrative at all since humans never pick up on what he is, so he's not sure how to go about this.]

Alright. I don't actually know how many of you saw me exposed for what I am on these things, but I know at least a few people know now. And people talk. At this point, it's best if I'm just up front about it.

My name is Crowley and I'm a demon.

That probably means all different things in all different worlds. In mine it means a former servant of the Lord, fallen from grace, now an infernal being from the Pit, tempter of souls, et cetera et cetera.

And I was good at it. I was the serpent who talked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden. [He looks into the distance and juts out his jaw a little.] My boss took credit for that one. Bosses for you, am I right?

[The cavalier attitude fades a little.]

Look, I didn't ask to be here and I'm not going to cause any trouble. I just want to stay alive, carry my weight, and then take my best friend and go home when it's all over. Back home, I'm not even working for Hell anymore anyway. I got fired.

So how about I continue leaving everyone be and everyone leaves me be, and we leave it at that?

[He raises a finger.]

Also, I would greatly appreciate it if people would stop poisoning the food with blessed substances. You don't see me going around putting cyanide in everything or something, do you? The only time I've ever messed with a human food supply was the time I exchanged a truck load of communion wafers with stale cream crackers.

It was mostly just for a giggle. Nobody even noticed the difference anyway.