Denizen of the Underworld

[hellbentley]

[Crowley is sitting in the afternoon sun in a casual sprawl outside, with a rock to his back. He's mostly healed and cleaned up. The little cut on his neck is almost gone. His voice is still a little bit hoarse but not as bad as it was. He had to trash his little gray scarf. No way was he getting the blood stains out. Fortunately his jacket and shirt are darker so it helps hide the blood stains.]

[He's definitely trying to cultivate a cucumber cool look, because vulnerability just isn't his thing.]

[He doesn't know how many people happened to be on their mirrors during the...incident. But at least one of his two attackers walked away angry, yelling about how he'd set the place on fire. The Easter Bunny is also awfully suspicious of him.]

[And word gets around.]

[He's got to control the narrative, especially since Aziraphale would absolutely get between him and a mob. He's not used to there needing to being any narrative at all since humans never pick up on what he is, so he's not sure how to go about this.]

Alright. I don't actually know how many of you saw me exposed for what I am on these things, but I know at least a few people know now. And people talk. At this point, it's best if I'm just up front about it.

My name is Crowley and I'm a demon.

That probably means all different things in all different worlds. In mine it means a former servant of the Lord, fallen from grace, now an infernal being from the Pit, tempter of souls, et cetera et cetera.

And I was good at it. I was the serpent who talked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden. [He looks into the distance and juts out his jaw a little.] My boss took credit for that one. Bosses for you, am I right?

[The cavalier attitude fades a little.]

Look, I didn't ask to be here and I'm not going to cause any trouble. I just want to stay alive, carry my weight, and then take my best friend and go home when it's all over. Back home, I'm not even working for Hell anymore anyway. I got fired.

So how about I continue leaving everyone be and everyone leaves me be, and we leave it at that?

[He raises a finger.]

Also, I would greatly appreciate it if people would stop poisoning the food with blessed substances. You don't see me going around putting cyanide in everything or something, do you? The only time I've ever messed with a human food supply was the time I exchanged a truck load of communion wafers with stale cream crackers.

It was mostly just for a giggle. Nobody even noticed the difference anyway.

Comments

[bringinghopewithme]

Goodness gracious. Who would have guessed?

[It's Bunny. He guessed.]

[hellbentley]

Look, I feel like my initial hesitation in revealing this was entirely justified.

Someone tried to kill me before we even met by putting consecrated salt in the food supply, just for the heck of it, hoping to smoke out some infernal beings. And then tried finish the job with an exorcism less than a minute after finding out what I was.

And that's not even getting into it with the fellow that had the great big, bloody sword. [A pause.] He's alright, though, he at least backed down.

[bringinghopewithme]

Might could've been avoided if you said up front "hey, consecrating food will stop me from eating it."

Actually that might'a made some of the party consecrate more so you couldn't get it.

[hellbentley]

You see my problem here.

"Hey, fellas, I'm a demon, could you avoid any holy things in the food" and they might've spiked the whole food supply. Or come after me and instantly tried to exorcise or chop me up with a sword as big as I am.

There was no winning this situation.

[bringinghopewithme]

How long exactly did you think you were gonna get by with nobody who deals routinely with demons figuring it out?

[hellbentley]

No clue. I was just going to wing it for as long as I could and hope I got out of here before anyone figured it out.

Or at least was around long enough to build up some social capitol. I already planned on [a long sigh, like he's very embarrassed to admit this]helping everyone. Take it from someone who's lived through 6000 years of human history: nobody deserves to be in a situation with no flush toilets.

I was hoping if anyone found out, it'd be after they had ongoing proof I wasn't going to make any trouble.

[bringinghopewithme]

You got confirmation someone was trying to smoke you out, or is that a conclusion you're leaping to?

[hellbentley]

The one who held a knife to my throat sure seemed to know what it meant for me to have choked on the food.

I don't think I was targeted specifically but I can see it having been 'hey I'll bless the food against unholy monsters, oh there's one, kill him.'

[He mimes stabbing]

It's all just a really unfortunate case of profiling. Which I get it, I do. I get the stereotypes. I hated my former coworkers back home for a reason. They're awful.

[bringinghopewithme]

[Nobody who hasn't actually threatened anybody deserves a knife to the throat, and Bunny hasn't dealt with demons regularly, but his experience with Sam (and now Dean) has never allowed for any particular wiggle room regarding demonic activity.

Still, plenty of things that aren't evil get the eradication treatment from scared, hurt people, like some of the ones they share their camp with. Who all seem pretty capable of finding knives.] How'd you manage to get fired if they were all so awful?

[hellbentley]

[He looks deeply embarrassed. It's one thing to go and do the right thing - and for your best friend to call you good after it all - it's entirely another to have to publicly admit it. To strangers.]

[So he mutters it, like an embarrassed teenager caught doing something they knew better than to do.]

Triedtosave'umanity.

[bringinghopewithme]

[Unfortunate that muttering only works to obscure meaning against people who don't have ears the size of yardsticks.]

Oh, is that all it takes?

[hellbentley]

They mostly saved themselves but I still tried.

[Still embarrassed. At being caught being good:]

May have also falsified a few reports to the home office about the evil I'd got up to.

[bringinghopewithme]

I've never been fired from anything. What's that process like when you get fired from hell? Actual fire or what?

[He asks like it's a joke, like all the mild jokes he's been making, but it seems odd to think that an . . . organization? Plane of existence? would fire someone like the stories Dan occasionally tells him about getting fired for turning up to a job super late (if he turned up at all) or for eating at the wrong time (and for eating food that belonged to whatever company fired him). The places Dan's worked have sometimes sounded like their real goals were to torture employees in mild to moderate ways, but this is hell they're talking about, not Burger Czar. The idea that it'd simply let Crowley go like it was a punishment just leaves Bunny wondering how that workplace actually kept people who - like Crowley - might not have cared to do actual evil in doing that job.]

[hellbentley]

Attempted public execution. With a method that would've destroyed me down to my very essence, destroying every single part of me. Agonizingly, naturally.

Very lucky I avoided it. Can't get into the how, kind of important I keep it close to the vest.

So they settled on permanently banishing me.

[diedforyoursins]

[Kaworu's been mostly just staying quiet and observing. He does that a lot. But it seems like a good moment to chime in if they're to avoid this kind of incident in the future – and he really would like them to. It'd be a shame for a group like this to tear itself apart.]

Words mean different things to different people even in the simplest situation. With everyone here seemingly coming from different worlds, it's no surprise that some have very different reactions to the idea of "demons". People get too wrapped up in their own perspectives to consider others.

For what it's worth, angels are driven to wipe out humanity where I come from. Most of the time.

[unsealthecatbox]

[Oh, a demon. Ange should have figured it was matter of time before someone turned out to be one. It's like this place is trying to complete some sort of checklist and get one of every supernatural being out there. Still, she comments, pretty nonchalant]

Ah. You're better dressed than most demons I have known.

[But that's because Ryukishi07 in Umineko has a knack for giving female fantasy characters outfits that show their thighs, and that includes almost all the demons except a male one. It's not great]

[hasapoint]

So on your plane, a demon's a Guardian Spirit or an Avatar that's repudiated by its patron god, if I can translate terms.

[Need's Mindvoice is metal on stone as she keeps herself from sneering at discussing demons at all. She'd like to be neutral.]

Were you human once, or is this a created-entire situation?

[cachedout]

Damn, I miss everything around here, don't I?

[ He was busy! There is so much useful that needs doing these days! ]

For the record, I'm very disappointed in everyone and you're all grounded.

[okayimin]

[ small nun presses [X] to doubt. ]

You don't sound like a very good demon. Is that your own body too?

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Is that why some of the food tastes weird? I thought it was proof that all that hippie free range stuff was made up for marketing, cause some of it tastes like they lived on jalapeños and vinegar.

Not cool guys. Only food goes in food.

[credit_not_blame]

Hey, I'm trying to eavesdrop here, speak up!

[Remember when you thought she was charming, Crowley?]

[kingofneworleans]

[It takes a few minutes for Remy to reply. Digesting what's happened and what Crowley's said. He looks...maybe not sympathetic, but there's something like that on his face.]

De way I've al'ays seen it back home, humans are way worse to each ot'er dan any creature in Heaven or Hell could be. Still willin' to work wit' mos' of dem. Can't do less dan exten' dat same to you.

[ragefeathers]

Oh, is this the guy who was asking about making holy water earlier? I bet it was him.

Anyway you seem alright.

[hellbentley]

[Crowley hunches down a little, embarassed.]

Tried to save humanity, alright?

It turned out they could save themselves in the end, but we helped a little.

[hellbentley]

Oh, we had a little bit of that, too. Both sides were keen on fighting the final battle and didn't care that humanity would be destroyed in the process.