Answering the old age question [video]

[likeits1999]

Oh, hey, guys, I thought of something.

[ The group has had some time to catch their collective breaths, this isn't the first night. Kevin's mirror is hovering while he seems to be working on... something to do with the bolts on his skateboard. He had his skateboard stuff on him upon arrival because of course Kevin did. Anyone who actually knows anything about skating, though, would know it's unnecessary maintenance. Kevin's doing it to have something to do. ]

It's not, like, important. But I was wondering. How old is everybody?

[ He almost lets it go, but he's nervous so then he has to elaborate: ]

I mean, I know that my situation is super weird and I guess some other people's is too, but I am kind of wondering who all is like. The adultest.

I'm, uh, I was seventeen when I died but I guess I'm actually twenty-eight?

Comments

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Permanently indeterminate, but my birth certificate says I’m 21.

[ His birth certificate says he’s 17; he could pass for 19, but 21 is a stretch. ]

[millenyal_pink]

I can pretend to believe that too, if you want.

[Yeah, she's calling him out on this. Especially since there doesn't seem to be much reason to lie.]

[slowmotionbuscrash]

I can pretend you minded your own business.

[ Tommy wants to make sure he’s taken as an adult and not dumped at a medieval orphanage. ]

Seriously, after all the weird answers everyone’s giving, mine is almost normal.

[millenyal_pink]

Almost.

[Elle is a 17-almost-18 year-old who could pass for 21 if she tried. She's not trying, though, because it seems stupid to lie about that here.]

You realize no one's going to kick you out for being underage, right? Even if someone wanted to, I don't think we can even afford to write anyone off. Like, you're a full-fledged member of this non-consensual adventuring party just like the rest of us.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

The “permanently indeterminate” isn’t my fault or choice.

[ He is fudging his birth certificate, but in Tommy’s opinion his birth certificate is already fudge. A, it says Mary and Frank Shepherd are his parents, and they don’t give a flip about him, and B, he could be like, 4. Or however old Mephisto is. ]

Why do you care, if it doesn’t actually matter how old I am? My hair says I’m Anderson Cooper years old. Go narc on someone for smoking in the bathroom.

[millenyal_pink]

Just trying to figure out why you'd lie about something as ridiculous as your age on a birth certificate that you clearly hold no regard for.

And give yourself some credit, you could be Steve Martin years old too.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Not agreeing that I’m lying, but the kind of people who ask questions about how old people are, like that proves anything about how useful or great they are, are the kind of people who “hold regard” for birth certificates. And you’re still not answering the question of why it matters. Like I know goody-goodies, but you’re looking for ways to bring people down.

Yeah, but then I’d be Steve Martin. Pass.

[millenyal_pink]

Genuine curiosity, more than anything. You could've just not responded, but you chose to. That was interesting to me; I'm not trying to bring anyone down.

Plus, this whole thing was literally prefaced with "it's not important" or whatever.

[Elle is probably enjoying this more than she should, but it's been a while since Elle's been able to poke at someone like this.]

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Everybody else is answering, except the old dude who looks like he hears “TikTok” and thinks it’s a clock app. I’m not going to be the weird kid who doesn’t answer.

[millenyal_pink]

Then you should've gone for a completely implausible age, you could've passed it off as a bit without much pressure to clarify. If someone did push, twenty-one is perfectly reasonable in comparison. Coming straight out with twenty-one was just too far out of reach, so it was noticeable.

[This is Elle giving genuine advice on how to lie to your peers' faces and get away with it. She has a very specific set of skills and is happy to share them with others.]

[slowmotionbuscrash]

No, you should’ve kept your mouth shut instead of doing a live demo of the no one meme so you could feel superior. No one asked you, and it doesn’t matter, so why are you so invested in this?

[millenyal_pink]

[Elle shrugs. While Tommy has been getting increasingly aggravated, Elle is just as chill as ever.]

I'm really not, dude. I have no idea why you're getting this upset. I'll fuck off if that's what you want, but getting mad isn't really accomplishing anything.

[Ah, teenage boys. How Elle missed their overreactions... not.]

[slowmotionbuscrash]

“I have no idea why my nosiness and know-it-all crap is pissing you off, but I’ll publicly go away with my tail hung between my legs even though I’m totally confident that it’s you not me if that what you really want.”

Don’t bother. I’m done.

[ Tommy won’t be using the mirror again for at least half an hour. ]

[likeits1999]

Does that mean you like, don't change?

[ Kevin is furrowing his brows at this challenging vocabulary word. ]

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Nah, it means that the details surrounding my birth are that debatable that my birthdays are forever ruined by the question of like “is it really my birthday though so who cares?”

[likeits1999]

Then you just pick a funny one and nobody can argue with you.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Ugh, I’d have to negotiate with Billy, and he’d hold out for something nerdy like Pi Day or May the 4th, and look how bad it already is! I know what Pi Day is so no. I can’t just pick an arbitrary new birthday because I have the universe’s biggest nerd walking around with my face.