Love is just a bloodsport... [video]

[headcheerbleeder]

Hi, everyone. If we haven't met yet, I'm Caroline.

[Caroline shows up on the mirror network midway through washing some blood out of a blouse she picked up from a troll. She's clearly trying to make the most of this whole situation, from the feathers and flowers she's worked into her practical braid to the way she's put a belt around her oversized troll shirt to give her a waist.]

So, this is a bit of an awkward question to ask, but you know what they say: the worst people can say is no. And a genie grants zero of the things you didn't wish for. So.

[She tucks the bloody blouse out of the frame.]

As some of you may know, I'm a vampire. Please let me finish before you interrupt, because I know that there are a lot of misconceptions about vampires out there, and I just want you all to know that I'm a good vampire. You're totally safe around me. I haven't lost control of my bloodlust since I first turned and I don't have any intention of doing so again.

To make sure I'm not chomping on anyone's necks, I've been doing the "Bambi Diet", which is where I do all my feeding on small animals. But here's the issue: the Bambi Diet sucks. Imagine if the only thing you could ever eat for the rest of your life was unflavored protein shakes? That's what the Bambi Diet's like.

Plus, I have a lot of really useful skills like superspeed and strength, and I can't really access that if I'm just on the Bambi Diet. It's like, again, protein shakes but no carbs or veggies? My hair's probably going to start falling out from it eventually.

So, what I'd like to ask is if anyone would be willing to maybe let me feed on them once in a while. I promise it doesn't hurt, and I promise I have total control over how much I take. I don't even have to take it directly from your neck; you can put it in a cup or a waterskin or something and that works just fine.

Anyone willing to help a girl out?

Comments

[konman]

[He doesn't know yet that his blood would taste like toxic waste because he still hasn't discovered his dark powers.]

I'm willing to do it but the only problem is I'm only half human. I don't know what the other half would do to you.

Especially since the alien half of my physiology loves absorbing yellow sunlight - even if my powers aren't working right now.

Are you the kind of vampire that's hurt by sunlight?

[headcheerbleeder]

[How nice, someone volunteering right off the bat! Definitely a good sign, even if his credentials mean that drinking his blood is probably a quick jog ​down a bad road.]

Thanks so much! I'll keep you in mind if no one else steps up - unfortunately, the sunlight and me don't really have a great track record together. [She holds up her hand to display an ostentatiously large, ugly ring.] This ring keeps me from bursting into flames, but it already failed on me once while I was here, so I don't want to test it.

Maybe we could try with a few drops and see how that feels?

[konman]

I'd be willing to do that. Although I'd prefer if we found a way to have me bleed into something.

[the_hit_list]

What are you both doing? This sounds like the near opposite of mentoring the other vampires and keeping them on the Bambi diet with a good example.

[headcheerbleeder]

I can still mentor other vampires into not going on bloody rampages eating people. It's the murder that's the problem, not the blood-drinking.

It honestly just sounds like you don't trust vampires.

[konman]

Tim, it sounds like that kind of diet might keep them alive but also make some of them sick.

They'll probably have to stick to animals for most of what they eat but if a few people willingly donate occasionally to help them stay healthier, what's the big deal?

How's it any different from donating blood to someone with a blood disease?

[headcheerbleeder]

I'll go looking for a cup in these old homes!

[tr1xx]

[ Cammie comes on holding her hand up like she’s volunteering in class, because she’s like that. ]

I wouldn’t mind, an’ I’m bogstandard human as they come. Plus, I’m pretty sure that superspeed and such is why I’m even still kickin’, only seems fair.

[headcheerbleeder]

Aww, thanks! [Caroline gives Cammie a big wide grin.] I think you're definitely on the top of the donor list, you know, being a normal human and all.

[tr1xx]

No problem! Handy time for the only cool shite about me to come from here [ she points at her head ] not the resta me. All this universe hoppin' stuff's hard enough without not even bein' able to eat right.

[likeits1999]

Hey uh, if you get any takers, can... can I share?

[ Kevin's body language even through the mirror is that making-himself-small thing he tends to do when he feels like he shouldn't be somewhere. He's awkward about asking it, he knows it's a big ask. ]

It's cool if not because like, bro, I get it. I super get it.

And like, I guess if anyone sees this who knows me, yeah dude I could also stand to do blood sometimes. I'm lucky cause I don't need a lot compared to most vampires I think, and I won't die again or nothing if I gotta keep eating off animals. So that's fine. But...

[ Kevin swallows awkwardly. ]

...yeah.

[headcheerbleeder]

[In sharp contrast to Kevin, Caroline is all beaming, sunny confidence, as if she's appointed herself the buoy to keep everyone else above water.]

Of course you can share. Don't be silly. I mean, so long as the person donating it doesn't mind.

[likeits1999]

Awesome.

[ She gets that genuinely surprised, touched smile Kevin does sometimes. ]

Man, this is a pretty fucked up problem to have to be sharing about, huh? Sorry about that.

[headcheerbleeder]

[Caroline's smile gets bigger when Kevin smiles back at her.]

Eh. [It is, but Caroline doesn't want to let that rain on her parade, so she shrugs.] It could be a lot worse. We could be having to hide that we're vampires totally.

[likeits1999]

[ Kevin shudders, exaggeratedly and intentionally. ]

I gotta say the shit we've been going through is rough, but I am kind of relieved that I don't gotta do that anymore.

I can if we run into people and it's a problem but like... it's really hard to have unfake friends when you are secretly a vampire.

[millenyal_pink]

I don't know if I'm able to donate to Caroline, but I'm pretty sure I help you out.

[Elle makes sure to present as friendly and casual as possible. She doesn't want Kevin feeling any worse than he already does about this.]

[likeits1999]

Thank you.

[ He means it. ]

I'll do my best not to waste it.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Wait - you have superspeed?! Like you still have your speed?

What the hell, this magic is fascist anti-mutant bullshit.

[ Forget the vampire thing; Tommy has priorities. ]

[headcheerbleeder]

Well, not now, because I'm Bambi-ing it. [She rolls her eyes.] What, do you usually do track or something?

[slowmotionbuscrash]

No, I usually run to a tropical island on my lunch break to get free virgin tiki drinks. I’m not laughing at your problem.

[headcheerbleeder]

Wow, okay, you're all cute and tender. Noted. [She meant 'sensitive', not 'tender', and she realizes a little belatedly that that's probably not the best word to use when she's just asked for a volunteer to drain blood from.] Seriously, though. Are you just out of whatever fuel you need for your super speed?

[cspd]

I'm willing. And completely baseline human, at least by all standards I'm aware of.

[ Does human change between realities? It might. Is he gonna get tired of prefacing every statement with acknowledgement of the differences in how everyone's realities might actually work? Yeah, probably, but he figures it's an important thing for all of them to remember. ]

[headcheerbleeder]

Great! Do you want to try doing a few drops in a cup at first, so we can see if it's a match?

[This is fun! Sort of like dating, but for bloodfeeding capacity!]

[cspd]

Sure, that seems like a better way to do it.

[ More....civilized? Less embarrassing? Who knows. He suspects that trying to get enough for a proper, er, meal in a cup may not be terribly efficient, but for a quick test it seems like a no-brainer. ]

[headcheerbleeder]

Great! I'll meet you at the Heartstone?