Love is just a bloodsport... [video]

[headcheerbleeder]

Hi, everyone. If we haven't met yet, I'm Caroline.

[Caroline shows up on the mirror network midway through washing some blood out of a blouse she picked up from a troll. She's clearly trying to make the most of this whole situation, from the feathers and flowers she's worked into her practical braid to the way she's put a belt around her oversized troll shirt to give her a waist.]

So, this is a bit of an awkward question to ask, but you know what they say: the worst people can say is no. And a genie grants zero of the things you didn't wish for. So.

[She tucks the bloody blouse out of the frame.]

As some of you may know, I'm a vampire. Please let me finish before you interrupt, because I know that there are a lot of misconceptions about vampires out there, and I just want you all to know that I'm a good vampire. You're totally safe around me. I haven't lost control of my bloodlust since I first turned and I don't have any intention of doing so again.

To make sure I'm not chomping on anyone's necks, I've been doing the "Bambi Diet", which is where I do all my feeding on small animals. But here's the issue: the Bambi Diet sucks. Imagine if the only thing you could ever eat for the rest of your life was unflavored protein shakes? That's what the Bambi Diet's like.

Plus, I have a lot of really useful skills like superspeed and strength, and I can't really access that if I'm just on the Bambi Diet. It's like, again, protein shakes but no carbs or veggies? My hair's probably going to start falling out from it eventually.

So, what I'd like to ask is if anyone would be willing to maybe let me feed on them once in a while. I promise it doesn't hurt, and I promise I have total control over how much I take. I don't even have to take it directly from your neck; you can put it in a cup or a waterskin or something and that works just fine.

Anyone willing to help a girl out?

Comments

[headcheerbleeder]

He's doing big, impressive gestures because that's how passionate he is about her, obviously! It's romantic! It's dramatic! It's hot! Did you pay attention at all? It's like you just want to poke holes in something nice and pure. Do you also see white carpets and decide to tramp gross muddy shoes all over them?

[slowmotionbuscrash]

No, I see white carpet and think who the hell wants to worry about white carpet. White carpet’s a huge red flag.

Nice and pure doesn’t sucker punch your life. Nice and pure dusts you off and asks you if you’re okay.

[headcheerbleeder]

White carpet is a sign of a well-kept house.

Nice and pure takes care of you when you're old and senile, too. Which is what the movie's about!

[slowmotionbuscrash]

White carpet says no one really lives here, because there’s a constant fear of getting them dirty. And maybe they’ll yell when you get it dirty, or worse, maybe they’ll be like “oh, don’t worry about it, sweetie,” but you’ll know you just cost them 10G.

I’m too old for fairy tales.

[headcheerbleeder]

My house has white carpet and it's pristine. [Because of course it is.]

You sound like the kind of person who dirties carpets.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

The carpets are setting people up to fail by creating an environment where mistakes can’t happen. I don’t try to dirty the carpets, but I’m not setting myself up like that.

[headcheerbleeder]

Wow, somehow, I've never gotten our white carpets dirty. Seems like maybe the problem isn't the carpets, it's you.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Or maybe you’re just made for the kind of stuffy sterile nightmare of white carpets and I’m made for more something wilder than a floor tuxedo. Don’t worry, I won’t threaten to Ferris wheel myself until we buy green rugs.

[headcheerbleeder]

If you were insisting on green rugs, I'd let you Ferris wheel yourself.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Green’s a great colour. All my favourite clothes are green. And my eyes. Sounds like you’re the one with bad taste.

[headcheerbleeder]

Green is a great color, but not for rugs. Green rugs are only okay if you're like, sloppy and a coward.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

I am not a coward, Blondie.

[ Them’s fighting words. ]

[headcheerbleeder]

You're intimidated by white carpets, wuss.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

You had your life upended by a guy that doesn’t crush on Ryan Gosling.

[headcheerbleeder]

My life? Your life must be sad if a ten minute conversation could count as a life.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

I’m a speedster forced to live today at a “normal” speed. My perception of time is garbage, but my life’s amazing when I’m not kidnapped to one of Teddy’s fantasy novels.

[headcheerbleeder]

Sounds like you have to make an adjustment and adapt. Ever heard of a positive attitude?

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Course. It took forever to get it just how I like it.

[headcheerbleeder]

Well, newflash: time for an update.